About Farah

I was raised in a Christian home. Although I experienced some difficulties, I’d still say most of my childhood was good. The summer I turned five I quickly learned how to be distant and put up protective walls around my heart, as I experienced abuse for the first time. While there was some physical abuse over the next ten years, the mental and emotional abuse proved to be more damaging. As I grew up, I was shy but had a quiet confidence. At seven, I had my first real encounter with Jesus. I was saved and a few weeks later baptized in the river. At that point, Jesus became not only my savior, but my dearest friend.

Six weeks after my 13th birthday, I saw Nick for the first time. I didn’t even know his name, but I knew immediately that I’d marry him one day.  The same was true for Nick, and almost exactly seven years later, we were married. Soon after, we were in Georgia pastoring a very large and active youth program. In 2002, we had the most beautiful and perfect baby girl, and in 2005, the we had the most handsome and perfect baby boy. Soon we moved home to TN and started a church. 

Aside from my relationship with the Lord, being a wife and a homeschool mom were my highest priorities and greatest earthly blessings. Next, was our church. Because we started it from the ground up, it felt like my third baby. The people in the church became our family. We did life together, and it was special. 

From time to time over the years, I would notice that something felt off in my spirit. I would pray, and the Lord would show me that I still had unforgiveness in my heart toward the person who had abused me. I had forgiven many times, but somewhere along the way, I would pick it back up without even realizing it. 

In 2016, I was in a car accident.  After a year of constant pain due to nerve damage, I was beginning to lose the use of my left arm and hand. I had neck surgery that successfully fixed most of the issues. However, after the surgery, I could only speak in a whisper. While this can be normal for a couple of weeks, at 6 weeks, I was still whispering. Tests determined that my right vocal cord had been severed during my neck surgery. I was told that the damage was likely permanent, but we wouldn’t know for sure until the 6 month mark. I knew God could heal me. One night about 4 1/2 months into the waiting, I told God I trusted him and then cried myself to sleep. I woke from a bad dream in the early morning hours, and I was screaming out the name of Jesus. From that moment, I could teach again, I could cheer at my son’s football games, and I could sing in worship—suddenly I could even harmonize. I went back to my doctor, and after some tests he looked at me in shock and said, “I don’t know how, but not only is your vocal cord not severed, it’s brand new.” 

In 2018, I was in a life group about the Holy Spirit. My father-in-law taught the group, and he challenged us every week to say the simple prayer, “Lord, show me. Change me. Fill me.” I sincerely prayed, and the Lord answered. In His gentleness and with love, God began to shape me and mold me. It wasn’t always pleasant, but I allowed him to to chip away the rough edges and begin to tear down the protective walls around my heart. God spoke to me during that year more than He ever had in my entire life, and my roots grew deeper and deeper in His love.  Through this process, it became clear to me that I had bitterness due to unforgiveness. 

Over the next few months through a series of events, I was greatly humbled and brought low before the Lord. I felt deep conviction and confessed every sin I could remember since I was four years old. During a prayer service at another church, I ended up writing a letter to my abuser. Although the letter was never sent, it helped me to give that person and all of my hurt to the Lord and to truly forgive. God took out my heart that had become like stone, and replaced it with a new heart that was much more tender and filled me love and compassion. He reminded me over and over to keep my roots deep in his love. I felt an urgency to be baptized again, and on March 10, of 2018, I was baptized by my husband.

In July 2019, my health began to greatly decline. I became, and still am in many ways, a shell of what I was before. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and hormonally I was a mess. Nick was the only person who knew the depths of it. Panic attacks, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, constant pain, and much more riddled my body. Every doctor I saw said I was a mystery. Some things they could confirm with tests other things couldn’t be determined, but none of the medicines had any effect on me. In July of 2021, I was taken to the hospital in serious condition. I experienced several hours of stroke-like symptoms and went in and out of consciousness. I was later sent home with no answers. I knew there was a spiritual element to it, and I endlessly scoured every corner of my mind and heart to find the source—I found nothing. I begged and pleaded with God to help me. At times, the torment would ease up, and at times it was almost more than I could bear. I pushed through day in and day out for almost four years doing my best to dig deeper in my relationship with the Lord.

We moved into a large multi-family home in 2021. Over the next 3 months, our daughter got engaged, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, and my 92 year old grandmother came to live with us. Only nine months after her diagnosis, my mother-in-law passed away. 6 weeks later our daughter was married, and we gained our wonderful son-in-law. My grandma began to have small strokes often and had two heart attacks. She required more care than I could give and had to be placed in a nursing home. Though there had been much heart ache, God was so good and kind. 

Toward the end of January of 2023, things got worse. The panic and anxiety was relentless. Everything felt dark, and for the first time I couldn’t hear or feel God. By March, even though I wanted to live, I would wake all throughout the night with thoughts of suicide. On a Sunday morning, I finally heard God speak. I was on the front row at church holding Nick’s hand. The band was playing the song, “Firm Foundation” which had great meaning to me. God told me to go onto the stage, and he would tell me what to say. I was terrified but had to obey. After hesitating, I walked onto the stage and said a few things about God being my foundation and standing on His promises, but what I really remember saying was at the end. I said, “I will worship God—come what may.” Little did I know what was around the corner.  

Just three short weeks later on the night of April 20, 2023, I found out that Nick, my husband of almost 24 years, had been unfaithful to me over the course of the previous four years. I couldn’t catch my breath, and I literally thought my heart was going to explode from pounding so hard. Nick was the only person other than the Lord that I had ever truly trusted. We were the fairytale that many people only dreamed of, and in an instant, everything changed. Looking at him, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever really known him at all. Several hours later, standing outside with Nick and our associate pastor, who had been a long time friend, I said, “I won’t allow something like this to happen to my family, and it not be used for the glory of God.” 

Things began to unfold very quickly. While I had moments of clarity, I was in a fog and often caught myself questioning if it was real. Life as we’d known it was over. I hurt all over inside and out, and I couldn’t even formulate sentences to pray. As I looked through Nick’s phone and saw the timeline of the infidelity, it perfectly matched the timeline of my health decline. It was uncanny. The times I felt better, he wasn’t cheating. The times I was at my worst, he was in the depths of it. 

On Sunday, I allowed Nick to come upstairs to watch our church service with the kids and me. We all sobbed as the announcement was made that he was being put on disciplinary leave, but we knew it was necessary. The church then had a time of worship and prayer. I couldn’t even look at Nick, but God was telling me to go kneel in front of him and hold his hand. I had promised God years before that I’d do my best to obey him the first time every time, but this was too much. I argued with him for several minutes before forcing myself to obey. As soon as I held Nick’s hand I felt a sense of peace. The band was playing a song called “Healer”, and I knew God was doing something.

After several days of only a few hours of broken sleep, I finally slept on Monday night. I woke up to God saying the word “remember” over and over. I knew I needed to look back over my notes and journal entries from the last several years. On page after page I had written about God’s faithfulness and goodness. I was reminded of dreams and read words He had given to me through numerous people who had no clue what was happening to me. I was even reminded of a particularly difficult time when God kept telling me that my life was in His hands. He had been preparing me for many years and I had no clue. In that moment, I told God I would choose to live and not die. 

I got ready and went to visit with my grandma and stopped to see Cindy. She was someone in our church who I barely knew, but she had reached out because she had lived through a similar experience. She encouraged me, gave me a couple of books, and I headed home. When I walked through the doorway, my legs became weak beneath me as they had many times in previous days, but this time it wasn’t because of the weight of grief. It was because the presence of God was in my home. He spoke to me very clearly and a heaviness was lifted. He instantly healed me from everything that had plagued me for the last 4 years. I still have daily pain from injuries sustained in my car accident, but everything else was just gone. Throughout the rest of the day, I prayed over our entire home inside and out.  Later that same evening, the board of elders came to our home, and Nick confessed his sin to them.  Afterward, God told me to hold Nick’s hand and pray deliverance and healing over him.  As difficult as it was, I obeyed. That night, God delivered Nick from anger that he had wrestled with his entire life.

In the midst of the fire, God was bringing relief and giving hope. I never knew he could be so close. Everything around me and in me felt like chaos, yet He brought perfect peace. Our children were hurting and confused, our church was reeling, I was falling apart, and the person who was supposed to love, care for, and protect us had caused it all. I didn’t understand the extent of what God was doing, but over the next few days, he performed miracle after miracle. It was like I was split in two. Part of me felt better than I had in years, and the other part of me was completely broken and distraught. But in the pain, I had hope. My brain could hardly function, but at times I would remember that I had said I would worship come what may. I didn’t have words, but I commanded my soul to worship even if it was through weeping and groaning. Within a couple of days, I was able to sit at my piano, and although it was through tears, and played and sang “It is Well with My Soul.” Soon I wanted what God wanted more than what I wanted. 

The days and weeks ahead were filled with pain, humiliation, anger, confusion, sadness and dread. I sat in meetings with elders and staff as the horrific events of the last four years were detailed. I sat in church with our children as the leaders read a much too explicit statement, explaining why Nick would no longer be their Pastor. The unimaginable was happening, and I had to suck it up and put on a brave face. I felt like I was being forced to wear the shame of Nick’s sin as others looked at me with disgust. I had to go to our nieces’ wedding and take family pictures without a husband. Our son’s graduation and 18th birthday were overshadowed. Questions in my head and from others, triggering moments, and debilitating fear were continual. I was distraught and exhausted I had no clue what to do moving forward. I was terrified, and my brain was in trauma mode. Because of this, Cindy had advised me to wait a year before making any major decisions. I hesitantly agreed. I knew I would always love Nick, but I couldn’t begin to imagine how we would remain married. We learned about something called redemptive separation, and decided to try it. Nick was already living downstairs with his dad, we were both reading books and trying to find resources online, and we met individually with Cindy and her husband Todd weekly. At the end of May, Nick went to a workshop in Minneapolis called Faithful and True. It’s specifically for men who are bound by sexual addiction. Before he left, God told me to pray for baby Nick because once he healed, grown up Nick could begin to heal too.

We started attending recovery together in June and learned the importance of sharing within community. We had put some strict boundaries around our separation, and realized the first goal had to be to heal individually. I desperately wanted to handle this situation correctly, so I knew I had to listen and obey God. I was clueless and had no control anyway, so I surrendered to Him. I wanted to remain soft and pliable in God’s hands and be a good example to my children. I knew forgiveness was the only option.  I had felt the sting of bitterness in years past and refused to allow my heart to harden again. 

By this time, most everyone I knew had pulled away. The kids and I had done nothing wrong, but we were becoming outcasts. I fully understand that people were hurting and didn’t know what to do, but I’m not sure I’ll every wrap my brain around the rejection of my children. I’m not angry just really sad.  In July, I made the difficult decision to leave the church we had started. The only church our children had ever known. I stepped down from ministry and away from so many I dearly loved.  This has been one of the deepest pains of this experience. 

I was living in a state of worry and fear constantly waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.  I had no control, and it was maddening.  I felt strongly that there was still something I didn’t know, but I had learned that the truth was always revealed, so I continued on.  Nick was attending a new church, and I and I decided to join him. I cried the entire first service.  I felt like I was cheating on my church. Soon we shared our mess with the Pastor and his wife. I had fear that they would reject us, but they did the opposite. In time, our children joined us at our new church. The transition was very hard for all of us, but it has also been a source of healing. 

I had begun therapy, and over my birthday weekend, I went to Minneapolis to a workshop for betrayed wives.  It was life-changing.  I learned many things about myself and about the science behind sexual addiction, and I gained tools that I still use almost daily.  I met a group of amazing women, and we communicate and encourage each other regularly.  

The feeling that I didn’t know everything began to burn.  I asked Nick over and over, but he insisted I knew it all.  We had just started couples counseling and were nearing a formal disclosure, but after a difficult weekend, I decided I didn’t want to wait until we were with our therapist, and he fully opened up to me. On August 28, I learned the one detail that had been left unsaid, and while in the scheme of things it wasn’t huge, I felt like I was back at the beginning. It took awhile for me to regain my footing, and we continued in the healing process. After 6 months, we ended the separation. 

Things have been two steps forward and one step back all along the way.  We’ve had every difficult conversation imaginable, met with mentors and leaders, read books, met with individual and couples therapists, had much counseling, been to workshops, listened to hundreds of podcasts, written letters of impact and restitution, fellowshipped with trusted friends and family, served in our church, celebrated wins, and mourned losses. 

The enemy thought he had won, but here we are still breathing and pressing forward. Along the way, I’ve learned not to say, “I would never…” because that puts me in the drivers seat and not the Lord.  I want what He wants more than what I want, and as I seek Him my heart changes to desire what He already has planned. I’ve learned that as much as I want to be in control, I have no real control anyway. God ways are higher than mine, and surrendering is worth it.  I’ve learned that most people will run from a fire, but God places specific people to help you put the fire out and sift through the ashes that remain.  I’ll forever be grateful to the those who have stood by our sides, and I realize that God has used this to show me that if I only have Him, I’d have all I need. We frail humans will fail one other time and time again, but God never will.  He can’t. 

I’d be lying if I said, I didn’t have some fear of the future. Some of the consequences of Nick’s sin are still unfolding, but it’s all in the hands of a very capable God.  I want to be a healed helper for others who are hurting. I want to embrace not only the prostitute and the addict but the people in the sanctuary with hidden sin who think they can hold it all together.  I want to help others heal and receive freedom that can only come through Jesus. 

I’ve felt pain I thought would kill me, but what I’ve felt more is the unending love and nearness of God, the comfort, peace, and power of the Holy Spirit, and the great hope of of the promise of salvation.  God’s great mercy triumphs over judgement, I have seen the goodness of God over and over.  

Much healing is still to come, but I’m more free, closer to Jesus, and have more joy and peace than I’ve had in years.  I’m more confident and while the road ahead is long, I’m okay with it.  There are more hurdles to jump and more layers to peel back, but as long as God is leading the way, I’m continuing to follow.  There’s much I may never understand, but there are a few things I know for sure:

~ God is always good, faithful, and kind. He’s close to the broken-hearted.

~ As long as there’s breath in our bodies, there’s hope for our souls. God’s love is boundless and covers all. He redeems, restores, and makes all things new. 

~ There’s great purpose in the pain, and God uses it all for His glory.

~ I may be bruised and battered, but I will stand. I’ll worship God with my whole heart—come what may!